Welcome to Week 1 of the TBB (Totally Boggus Blog) – COVID-19 Edition.
That’s right, all of us here at the IBT (Institute of Boggus Talk) have been quarantining together in a secure lab coming up with solutions to all that ails aviation in this challenging time. Already we’ve answered daunting issues like, “How long can you wear the same pair of pants when working from home?”
The answer is three days by the way. We’ve also investigated the use of flour tortillas as a substitute for toilet paper in a time of need. See our special edition for this hard-hitting expose.
There seems to be no limit to issues affecting the global aviation system, and in between games of “full-contact” Catan, Chicken-foot, and binge watching the Tiger King, we are ready to unveil some of the best ways to insulate airports against future pandemics.
In fact, the IBT has adopted a Joe Exotic quote: “You know, people only care about saving what affects them.” So, let me unveil for you the PAP (Protection Against Pandemics) Program.
PAP has three major components: 1) Planning, 2) Security, and 3) Funding. Today’s blog will deal with the first one, Planning. Next week, we’ll tackle security and then funding the following week.
Let’s start with terminal facility planning. Some things have to change. While it is rare that “WHO HAS B.O.” is used in the same sentence, the WHO (World Health Organization) HAS (Healthcare Assurance System) and B.O. (Bacteria Order) and others are speculating that we could face pandemics yearly.
If that’s the case, Normal must change. Of course, the IBT abhors normal, so this is right in our wheelhouse.
We asked ourselves if it would be possible to plan an airport to allow uninterrupted air travel during a future pandemic. Well, we said yes! What follows are some serious – and some Brainiac – thoughts on terminal planning.
· Virus Resistant Finishes (VRFs) (Antimicrobial): Basically, anywhere a person might touch, the surface finish needs to be antimicrobial. Already used in hospitals and clinics, these surfaces prohibit the ability of microorganisms to grow. If you cannot afford this product, a lower cost alternative would be to run electrical current through any metal finish that will shock anyone that touches it. This does two things:
o 1) It reinforces to people not to touch it.
o 2) It shocks the heck out of viruses as well. We call this lower cost alternative SSI (Shocks the S**t out of It).
· Additional Space for Passengers (ASP): This throws the whole 2,250-square-feet-for-a-holdroom standard totally out the window. We quit designing to the Level of Service (LOS) C (old IATA calculation), and move toward LOS A. This will give us more room for social distancing even with a 95% load factor. Oh, and let’s install temperature sensing seating, referred to as Hot Cross Buns (HCB), in the holdroom that will notify the carrier if the passenger occupying that seat has a temperature in excess of the norm, as defined by the WTF (World Temperature Federation). What could go wrong with that? In fact, let’s petition all the smart watchmakers to come into compliance with WTF, to cause their watches to glow a specific color if the person wearing it has a body temperature in excess of the norm – kind of like a mood watch.
· Rehab the Boarding Process: The IBT must finally admit that the analog version of boarding that several air carriers use actually works way better than gate-hugger/swarming concepts still in use by the others. This “gate-hugging/swarming” (GHS) concept has to go. Not only does it spill out into the concourse disrupting traffic flow, but it also puts people in a very close proximity to each other, thereby making it far easier to spread a virus. Let’s spread those analog boarding group monoliths out and bring some order to this chaos.
· Concessions: We know that there are people out there who like to window shop. We also know that impulse buys are what a lot of our airport concessionaires count on. But as the “Swelter in Place” (SWIP) rules we are living under have shown us, we are still doing an excellent job in shopping online. That, coupled with buying products that many hundreds of passengers have handled and therefore soiled with their unclean and virus laden appendages, leads the IBT to recommend that we also deploy a POS (passenger ordering system). POS will allow passengers to order food and/or retail items from any store in the airport to be delivered to their location.
· Get rid of the Holdroom Concept: Let’s move toward a call-to-gate system where we no longer cause everyone to hoard together in a small area for their flight. We have the technology to create virtual departure lounges (VDL) for each flight that will enable a passenger to stay in touch with what is going on with their flight, virtual pages from the gate agent as well as gate changes and other status updates. This VDL system allows passengers to really be anywhere and still know the status of their flight and what is going at the gate.
The IBT is looking out for you in this time of great need. We are uncomplicating the impossible and finding ways to find tomorrow in a time of uncertainty. Next time the IBT will deploy our aviation physical and healthcare security ideas for airports post COVID-19. Until then, I leave you with a pandemic tune from our quarantune list. (sung to the tune of Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl):
“Let me hear you say This plague is covidic C-O-V-I-D-I-C This plague is covidic C-O-V-I-D-I-C This plague is covidic C-O-V-I-D-I-C This plague is covidic C-O-V-I-D-I-C”
